I always ask clients at the first session: “who do you turn to when you’re going through a rough time?” The number of times that clients say “no one” is shocking and heartbreaking.
But it follows the trends that we’ve all been reading about in the news. Several intellectuals have written about the loneliness epidemic such as the previous Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, in “Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World” and Frank Putnam in “Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community”. Our American society has become more polarized, isolated, and alienated from each other.
An important part of therapy is helping clients to identify their inner strengths and improving connections to loved ones, friends, and their communities. It’s difficult to reach out when you’re feeling lonely. It can feel extremely vulnerable to reach out to others, especially if the ones you’re reaching out to don’t respond to your bids for connection.
In therapy, I like to talk to clients about their attachment styles. As a child, if your parent(s) were there for you emotionally, you learned to trust and secure attachment developed. If your parent(s) weren’t always emotionally available, you may have had difficulty trusting them, and attachment issues may have developed. An insecure attachment style can impact us later on in our adult lives. It makes it harder to trust and develop secure relationships, both romantic relationships and friendships. It can increase your sense of loneliness, convincing you that no one is emotionally there for you.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) utilizes attachment theory in helping couples learn how to turn toward each other and trust each other. “Are you there for me?” “Do you get me?” “Can I trust you with my most vulnerable thoughts and feelings?” These are the questions with which couples come into therapy. When couples feel like the answer to these questions is no, they often feel very lonely. And being lonely with your partner right by your side is one of the worst kinds of loneliness.
EMDR is also a helpful tool in processing and moving through loneliness, especially if you have been feeling lonely due to a divorce, a death in the family, attachment issues with your parent(s), job loss, or any other kind of loss. It helps clients feel the sting less acutely and develop inner strength and coping skills.
We are a country coping with a loneliness epidemic. It is one of my core values to help people feel more connected to their communities, friends, and family members.
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